Tales from the Men's Locker Room

Fair warning – do not read this post while you’re eating.  It will most definitely ruin whatever lovely meal you have planned.  On second thought, if you’re like me (and really, who wouldn’t want to be like me?) you probably are used to eating delicious tailgate food while watching Cleveland Browns football, so it can’t be any worse than that.

The men’s locker room.  

One of the most disgusting and hilarious places that you’ll ever find. 

It’s a place where towels are completely optional.  Want to walk around, strutting your manhood publically on your way to the shower while holding your towel in your hand?  Sure, go ahead, you’re in the men’s locker room. 

It’s a place where eye contact is key.  In fact, it’s probably best to just stare at the ceiling while walking around so you don’t inadvertently ruin your day by the sight of somebody's dear grandfather getting in one last stretch completely nude.

It’s a place where some of the funniest things on this Earth occur.  These examples below are 100% true and not exaggerated one bit.  You can’t make this stuff up.  Here are some of the characters at my gym:

Blow Dry His Junk Guy

I have no clue what his real name is, but I’ll call him Dale.  One, he kind of looks like a Dale.  And two, if you had to guess the name of a guy that takes a blow dryer to the crotch; wouldn’t Dale be on the short list of finalists?  That’s what I thought.

Dale has the same locker room routine every day.  He stands in front of the mirror, takes the blow dryer in hand, and then proceeds to dry off completely……everywhere.  A towel simply just isn’t enough for Dale – he must have electric hot air accelerate the evaporation of water particles on his junk.  Dale HATES towels.  He is a sans-towel man, as one would expect when being described as Blow Dry His Junk Guy. 

Dale’s shenanigans were finally thwarted once the gym staff found out about his foibles.  This sign was posted at every counter with a hair dryer.  Oh, but a small laminated piece of paper didn’t stop ‘Ole Dale though.  He still, from time-to-time will take his liberties with the hair dryer.  Needless to say, I moved my locker to the other side of the locker room.

To this day, this is the funniest sign I've ever seen.

Flosses His Teeth Completely Nude at the Sink Guy

This gentleman has a disdain for towels, but LOVES dental hygiene.  Like clockwork, at 11:45am every day as I am finishing my workout, Floss Man stands completely nude at the sink brushing his teeth, flossing his teeth, and then getting a nice shave in.  It's a 5-minute nude routine that would be much better served in his bathroom at home. 

Smarties in the Shower Guy

As I was showering a few weeks back, I looked down at the shampoo and did a double-take.  Between the bottles of shampoo and conditioner sat a soaking wet half-eaten roll of Smarties.  I had so many questions.  The only thing I knew for sure is that he had to have been 60+ in age, because nobody younger than that eats Smarties.  I’ll be on the look-out for Werther’s Original and Bit-O-Honey in the shower in the future.  Gross.

Socks at the Urinal Guy

It’s best practice to wear flip flops in the locker room. 99% of gym members behave like normal human beings, and then there is Socks at the Urinal Guy. 

Before going on a run, I saw a man who was changing after a workout.  I could tell that he had already showered. He had on underwear and socks, and that’s it. As far as locker room gym attire goes, he basically was dressed for winter.  He proceeded to the urinal to do his business and then back to his locker, where he put on the rest of his clothes and shoes, pissy socks and all. 

Nude Executive Guys

There are numerous benefits of having a gym across the street from work.  Subsidized gym costs, marathon training, genuine stress relief…It’s super-convenient.  It’s also super-awkward sometimes.

A few years back, I saw three VP-level executives from my company having an extended conversation with each other completely nude right next to my locker.  They were talking about my company's retail strategy, a conversation that is better served in a boardroom......fully-clothed.  

As Blow Dry His Junk Guy as my witness, two of the guys were doing the Captain Morgan pose on the bench.  For those non-drinkers that have no clue what I'm referencing, see the picture below and then let your imagination go wild.  I quickly changed and got out of dodge before they engaged me in conversation.  Again....you can't make this stuff up.

So what say you?  Have you ever been knocked over by the swaying breeze of a pants-less old man?  If you've had any awkward gym encounters I want to hear them!

2015 Akron Marathon Recap

Every race brings its own set of challenges.  For the 2015 Akron Marathon, it certainly wasn’t the weather.  A runner could not ask for a more perfect race day.  At 60 degrees at the starting line at 6:30am – it really was “no-excuses weather”, as Frank Shorter, a gold medal winner in the 1972 Olympic marathon told the runners over the loud speaker just before the race began.  The weather may have offered “no-excuses”, but I had plenty of them in the weeks leading up to the Akron Marathon. 

Phil doing a great job not looking Poop-His-Pants-Scared
at the starting line before his first race

My particular challenge for this race was trying to overcome a right knee injury that seriously hindered my training.  I was already on an accelerated training schedule, opting for 10-weeks of training instead of my usual 16-week schedule, so I was nervous.  About halfway into this training I had an unbearable pain on the outside of my right knee that prohibited me from walking normal, let alone run. 

I am a stubborn person, so I still had my sights on running this race 6 weeks out, no matter how bad my leg hurt.  I took two weeks off, and miraculously….the pain was gone.  I returned to training and got one more long run in of 11 miles on a Saturday two weeks before the race and then uh-oh…..Hobbling Old Man Ryan was back in full force.  I was rather disappointed, but still I was determined, come hell or high water that I was running this race.  This was going to be my brother in-law Phil’s first half marathon and I promised him I would be there.  And any promise made after sharing an entire bottle of bourbon late at night deserves to be carried through.

I went to the doctor the Tuesday of race week and was diagnosed with IT Band Syndrome.  It’s a common running injury that comes from overuse, but holy hell can it be bad.  After an x-ray and 2 hours in a waiting room, Dr. Shah, who happens to be the medical director for the Akron Marathon, shot my knee up with cortisone.  What a magical and wonderful drug.  Minutes after the shot, I was dancing around the office with nary the pain like Charlie Bucket’s Grandpa Joe after realizing he gets free chocolate.  My golden ticket was the chance to run the Blue Line with little to no pain.  I was ecstatic.

The race itself was the cherry on-top.  After mile 2, I quickly revised my race-day goal of finishing under two hours to just finishing the race without stopping to walk.  I’ve never ran all the way through, so that was a lofty goal in itself.  I just wanted to have fun out there – I went through enough pain just to get to race day – no need to push it to the limit. 

A few of the mile highlights:

Mile 2 – Made the awful decision to drink a free milkshake that Swenson’s was handing out in front of their North Akron restaurant.  It may have only been 4 ounces of goodness, but milkshake + 13 miles of running = potential horrible outcome.

Mile 4 – Up until this point Phil and I were running together.  I know the city like the back of my hand, so I let him know that a steady downhill stretch was around the corner.  He took this moment to run faster downhill to make up some time and left me in the dust for good.  With IT Band Syndrome, downhill running hurts more than anything due to the stress it puts on the knees, so this was no time to keep up with Phil.

Mile 7 – I saw Eileen and my mom waiting for me on the corner of Spicer and Exchange.  At last year’s Akron Marathon, Eileen was 8 months pregnant with Annie and came down to cheer me on.  It was one of the most emotional moments of my life….running my first half marathon, becoming a father for the first time, and seeing my proud wife cheering me on, I cried buckets for a good quarter mile.  A year later I have 3 half marathons under my belt and we just celebrated Annie’s first birthday yesterday.  So much changes in the course of a year.  It’s always great seeing your family cheer you on – they are my biggest fans.

Miles 8 – It was during mile 8 that my competitive spirit was thrown out the window.  I decided here that I was not going to push myself and cause further injury.  I just wanted to have fun, while not stopping until I cross the finish line.  Although the next 5 miles were not fun – I had a blast running them.  I know, doesn’t make sense right?  Only a runner can truly understand that statement.  One of my favorite running quotes is. “It hurts more to stop than it does to keep going”.  That was certainly the case here.

Mile 10 – My knee starts to tingle, then goes kinda numb.  Fun!

Proud guys with their medals and watered-down
beers at the finishing party in the outfield

Mile 12 - When you’re running a race, the crowd support is real.  It keeps you going when you feel like quitting and motivates you to be your best.  At this point of the race I saw a sign held by a young girl that said “Tap Here for Girl Power”.  Whewww, thank goodness, I was running low.  You bet your ass I tapped the sign – now, with a re-fueled and full supply of Girl Power, I was heading towards the finish line.

The last 0.1 – Always the best part of the race.  The home stretch, through the right field wall and down the first base line to the finish line.  The feeling is indescribable.  I crossed the finish line at 2:07:04, a full 8 minutes off my PR earlier this year in Cleveland, but better than my 2:28 finish in Akron last year.  Baby steps.

After everything I went through just to get to race day, I was proud of myself for finishing.  No, I did not break my 1:59:37 PR that I set back in May at the Cleveland Marathon.  Nor did I keep up with marathon-newbie Phil, who blazed to a sub-2 hour half!  But I did overcome an injury (with the help of Dr. Shah and that wonderful needle full of cortisone) and had an unbelievable time running though my favorite city on Earth, my hometown. See you next year Akron.

A Not-So Brief Hiatus

What a whirlwind of a year 2015 is turning out to be.  I just realized that I haven’t written a blog post since January 16th.  That is a long time ago, way back in the good ‘ol days of new daddyhood.  Back when I was a shiny new dad that didn’t know which side of the diaper was the front and which was the back.  I mean, Winnie the Pooh is on both freaking sides, thanks for making it so hard Pampers.  Just put Pooh on the back and nothing on the front and make it easier for all the newly minted dads out there.  Tee-hee….Poo on the back, 12 year-old Ryan strikes again!

I really enjoy blogging and I’m disappointed in myself that I have taken a brief hiatus, so I’m revving up the engine and heading back out on the road.  Albeit it in a rusted old clunker that is my blog, but nevertheless I’m on the road again.  There are just too many stories of being a dad, running, good beer, and bad sports out there that need to live on the internet for the rest of humanity.  I’ll be back soon.

Lessons to Teach My Daughter Annie

Annie started daycare this week, one that has been a whirlwind of emotion for Eileen and I. All of the clichés are starting to finally hit home:

“I just don’t want her to grow up”

I've heard parents say this a million times and I never quite understood it, since the older your child grows, the more cool stuff you can do with her.  Well now, I finally understand what this means.  At only 3 months of age, Annie is growing and starting to show some of her personality, which so happens to be, “I am the princess here and things will go my way, get it?”  I’m already a pushover.

With Annie’s first “big” milestone of attending daycare, this past week I’ve been thinking about how I am going to progress as a father as she grows older as well as what types of lessons I am going to teach my daughter during her life.  So since I tend to over-share my life with anybody who feels like listening, I thought I would list them here.

These are just some of the lessons that I am going to teach my daughter.  I think that they’re pretty important – so important that they pertain to all of us at any age, so read up:

Acting like a goof with Daddy, Annie's favorite pastime.

Be Yourself.  It’s the best and absolute hardest person to be.  There is no lesson greater than this – there is a reason I listed it first.  I’ve found out during my life that genuinely being yourself doesn’t always come with the best benefits.  Sometimes you will be laughed at and other times you will be susceptible to the scrutiny of others.  But guess what?  Authenticity matters; and it’s clear as day to see in somebody.  There are many people that value you for just being you and those are the people you want to associate yourself with.  I’m sure my wife laughs off the fact that I love teenage pop music, that I iron jeans even if they aren’t wrinkled, or that I am the clumsiest person north of Columbus, but she loves the hell out of me and wouldn’t have it any other way (I think).  I am not afraid of who I am and I hope that Annie grows to be just as insanely goofy, passionate, and unique as the tall guy that she calls Daddy.

Laugh Often. Sure, there are times to take things serious, but I haven’t quite found one yet. 

It’s Okay to Fail.  And it’s okay to fail a lot.  As long as each failure brings opportunities for new learnings then go ahead, fail away.  There is no blueprint for success.  Everybody learns and creates in their own unique style through many experiences in life.  Some of my greatest achievements at work have been born out of massive failures.  Our current schooling system does not reward failure, so it seems like a counter-intuitive lesson to teach a child, but I believe it is an important one.  The more you fail – the more you are trying – the more you win.  The sum of those experiences breeds success.

Wear Sunscreen. Your last name is Simcox and you come from Flannery genes.  You’re going to need SPF 85 for the entirety of your life. Sorry kid, them’s the breaks.  You might be pigmentally challenged, but you’re beautiful no matter what.

Be a Strong Woman. I won’t really have to teach Annie this.  First off, I have no clue what being a strong woman entails – it’s okay to admit when you don’t know something (Hey look, another lesson!).  More importantly, Eileen can write the book on strong womandom.  Eileen attributes the majority of her confidence from attending Our Lady of the Elms, an all-girl high school in Akron, a school that Annie will hopefully someday attend.  There is no better mentor to Annie on how to become a strong woman than the incredibly short, but amazing strong lady that she calls Mommy.

Born to Run is the Best Album Ever Recorded.  I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to deal with “Dad’s music is not cool”.  The daughter of Eileen and Ryan must like Springsteen, there are no options here.  No room for discussion.  Hell, it’s amazing her name isn’t Rosalita Simcox.

Peace.

Have Faith.  Have faith in God. Have faith in others. Have faith in yourself.  Believe in your abilities, have confidence.  You can do anything that you put your mind to.  All of those clichés…..They are popular for a reason, because they are true. 

I know that they are true because faith helped me pull through during 2014, the best year of my life.  We waited a long time to have a child and leaned on faith that one day that dream would come true.  And it did.  And now she’s here.  And her name is Annie Grace.  And she’s the best thing to ever happen.  And I can’t wait to teach her all that I know.