Tales from the Men's Locker Room

Fair warning – do not read this post while you’re eating.  It will most definitely ruin whatever lovely meal you have planned.  On second thought, if you’re like me (and really, who wouldn’t want to be like me?) you probably are used to eating delicious tailgate food while watching Cleveland Browns football, so it can’t be any worse than that.

The men’s locker room.  

One of the most disgusting and hilarious places that you’ll ever find. 

It’s a place where towels are completely optional.  Want to walk around, strutting your manhood publically on your way to the shower while holding your towel in your hand?  Sure, go ahead, you’re in the men’s locker room. 

It’s a place where eye contact is key.  In fact, it’s probably best to just stare at the ceiling while walking around so you don’t inadvertently ruin your day by the sight of somebody's dear grandfather getting in one last stretch completely nude.

It’s a place where some of the funniest things on this Earth occur.  These examples below are 100% true and not exaggerated one bit.  You can’t make this stuff up.  Here are some of the characters at my gym:

Blow Dry His Junk Guy

I have no clue what his real name is, but I’ll call him Dale.  One, he kind of looks like a Dale.  And two, if you had to guess the name of a guy that takes a blow dryer to the crotch; wouldn’t Dale be on the short list of finalists?  That’s what I thought.

Dale has the same locker room routine every day.  He stands in front of the mirror, takes the blow dryer in hand, and then proceeds to dry off completely……everywhere.  A towel simply just isn’t enough for Dale – he must have electric hot air accelerate the evaporation of water particles on his junk.  Dale HATES towels.  He is a sans-towel man, as one would expect when being described as Blow Dry His Junk Guy. 

Dale’s shenanigans were finally thwarted once the gym staff found out about his foibles.  This sign was posted at every counter with a hair dryer.  Oh, but a small laminated piece of paper didn’t stop ‘Ole Dale though.  He still, from time-to-time will take his liberties with the hair dryer.  Needless to say, I moved my locker to the other side of the locker room.

To this day, this is the funniest sign I've ever seen.

Flosses His Teeth Completely Nude at the Sink Guy

This gentleman has a disdain for towels, but LOVES dental hygiene.  Like clockwork, at 11:45am every day as I am finishing my workout, Floss Man stands completely nude at the sink brushing his teeth, flossing his teeth, and then getting a nice shave in.  It's a 5-minute nude routine that would be much better served in his bathroom at home. 

Smarties in the Shower Guy

As I was showering a few weeks back, I looked down at the shampoo and did a double-take.  Between the bottles of shampoo and conditioner sat a soaking wet half-eaten roll of Smarties.  I had so many questions.  The only thing I knew for sure is that he had to have been 60+ in age, because nobody younger than that eats Smarties.  I’ll be on the look-out for Werther’s Original and Bit-O-Honey in the shower in the future.  Gross.

Socks at the Urinal Guy

It’s best practice to wear flip flops in the locker room. 99% of gym members behave like normal human beings, and then there is Socks at the Urinal Guy. 

Before going on a run, I saw a man who was changing after a workout.  I could tell that he had already showered. He had on underwear and socks, and that’s it. As far as locker room gym attire goes, he basically was dressed for winter.  He proceeded to the urinal to do his business and then back to his locker, where he put on the rest of his clothes and shoes, pissy socks and all. 

Nude Executive Guys

There are numerous benefits of having a gym across the street from work.  Subsidized gym costs, marathon training, genuine stress relief…It’s super-convenient.  It’s also super-awkward sometimes.

A few years back, I saw three VP-level executives from my company having an extended conversation with each other completely nude right next to my locker.  They were talking about my company's retail strategy, a conversation that is better served in a boardroom......fully-clothed.  

As Blow Dry His Junk Guy as my witness, two of the guys were doing the Captain Morgan pose on the bench.  For those non-drinkers that have no clue what I'm referencing, see the picture below and then let your imagination go wild.  I quickly changed and got out of dodge before they engaged me in conversation.  Again....you can't make this stuff up.

So what say you?  Have you ever been knocked over by the swaying breeze of a pants-less old man?  If you've had any awkward gym encounters I want to hear them!